


South Parked

by campylobacter



Category: South Park, The X-Files
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, Fat Shaming, Misogyny, Screenplay/Script Format, embarrassing edgelord garbage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-11-02
Updated: 1998-11-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:31:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/campylobacter/pseuds/campylobacter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mulder and Scully go to Colorado. Dude, this is pretty f****d up right here. SPOILER: Kenny dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	South Parked

[Final 5 minutes of the show]

===BUS STOP===

KYLE: Hey Stan, did you finish that book report on how to kill a mockingbird?

STAN: Book report? What book report?

ERIC: You know, that thing you get when you eat pork chops and your jaw locks up and you can't move your--

STAN: Shutup, Cartman.

[Car pulls up in front of Bus Stop. A man with dark hair drives, and a red-haired woman's profile is barely seen in the passenger's seat.]

MULDER: (construction paper animation doesn't really look like him, but has Duchovny's voice) FBI. Have you kids seen anything unusual occur in the past twenty-four hours?

ERIC, STAN, KYLE: (lying) No.

MULDER: (to KENNY) You. Have you seen anything?

KENNY: Mm hmmf mhf mmffmm hm wmmhf mmh hm m mmff mmm.

MULDER: Who is "Chef", how many women, and where is Stark's Pond?

ERIC: I'll show you. (to STAN, KYLE, KENNY) See you dildos later. (climbs into back seat of car, which visibly sinks under his weight)

(Car drives away.)

STAN: We can't let Cartman get away with this! It's our secret fort! They'll find our back issues of Crack Whore magazine and punish us with forced auditions of Michael Bolton albums!

KYLE: Dude, don't get your crotchless panties in a knot.

STAN: But I don't want to hear "Soul Provider".

KYLE: Screw school. Let's take the short cut to the fort.

 

===STARK'S POND===

(Car pulls up.)

ERIC: Is she your sexual (pronounces it "seks-shul") liaison informant?

MULDER: That's Agent Scully.

ERIC: Is that your real hair color?

SCULLY: (animation doesn't really look like her, but has Anderson's voice) Get out of the car, lard ass.

MULDER: Where did the incident occur?

ERIC: (attempting to change subject) Uh, hey you guys, is that an abortion clinic bombing over there?

(ERIC exits the car, which rises without his weight. SCULLY and MULDER, rendered in two-dimensional construction paper glory, dark trench coats and all, exit the car to look for the clinic. ERIC runs away.)

SCULLY: I don't see any clinic, Mulder.

MULDER: And I don't see any orgy.

STAN: (from behind a tree) Dammit! We got here too late.

KYLE: Maybe there's still time to distract them from the fort.

CHEF: Hi, children. How're my little crackers today?

STAN, KYLE, KENNY: Chef!/Mhf!

STAN: Thank god you're here! We have to distract those federal agents from discovering our secret fort.

CHEF: Don't worry, children. Leave it to me. (leaves tree and approaches Scully) Hi, beautiful. How about coming over to my place for some hot chocolate?

MULDER: (stepping between them and flashing his badge) Perhaps you can help us. In-depth analysis of the rubble from the Frederick R. Murrough building in Oklahoma City indicates that eighty percent of the detritus is missing. In light of recent seismic activity in South Park, we have reason to believe, from a trajectory extrapolated by military satellite surveillance, that a large chunk of the building might have touched down in this very area.

SCULLY: With marshmallows?

CHEF: All you can eat, baby.

STAN: (still behind tree, to KENNY and KYLE) Now's our chance! On the count of three, make a run for the fort. One. Two. Three!

(STAN, KYLE, and KENNY haul ass to the "fort". But CELINE DION emerges from the fort's colossal wreckage in the pond, and with a high-powered rifle she snatches from DAVID KORESH, sights KENNY in its scope and and fires. KENNY's head blows apart, splattering MULDER and SCULLY with grue.)

KYLE: Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!

STAN: You bastards!

CELINE DION: (sings some boring adult-contemporary crap)

DAVID KORESH: The Innocents shall aven-ged be!

ERIC: (entering scene with OFFICER BARBRADY and the MAYOR) There's the secret fort. Now gimme my $100,000 reward.

MAYOR: That reward is for information leading to the capture of Eric Robert Rudolph, not for the wreckage of the Titanic. Don't ever waste my time again, you little shit. (exits)

SCULLY: Looks like that extrapolated trajectory was inaccurate, Mulder. There's no Murrough building here. No connection to the Army of God, either.

MULDER: But David Koresh--

SCULLY: (removes her gun from its holster and shoots DAVID KORESH) Is dead.

ERIC: Kick. Ass.

SCULLY: The FBI has no jurisdiction over the wreckage of the Titanic.

MULDER: (sidles over to OFFICER BARBRADY) Are you this child's father?

OFFICER BARBRADY: I -- uh -- what? No!

MULDER: He bears a strong resemblance to aerial photographs of crop circles which appeared in an English cornfield over a year ago. Would you allow us to question you concerning cattle mutilations, CIA helicopter activity, Visitors, a disappearing animal sanctuary, human/porcine hybridization, human cloning, genetics experiments, Scuzzlebutt sightings, zombies, bizarre gamefowl behavior, talking fecal matter, and large footprints indicating dinosaur-sized creatures?

OFFICER BARBRADY: Move along, looky-loos. Nothing to see here.

SCULLY: I'm outta here. I've got to get cleaned up before this kid's blood dries.

(SCULLY leaves in the car.)

MULDER: (looking at wreckage of Titanic in pond) Well kids, looks like everyone has found out about your secret fort.

KYLE: That's OK. We won't get in trouble because that fucking bitch Celine Dion took everything.

STAN: All she left was a box and some carpet.

MULDER: There's no accounting for the greed of some people over the artifacts of the dead.

ERIC: (approaches them) Hey you guys, where is my stash of Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes?

KYLE: Guess where, asswipe. That skanky cunt Celine Dion represents the tyranny of the mediocre over the tasteless masses. How can we defend ourselves from her evil influence?

ERIC: Goddammit! I hate her! I hate Celine Dion!

STAN: Chill. Your mom still buys you Cheesy Poofs.

ERIC: Oh, yeah. Heh heh.

 

===FOREST===

(FBI car is parked among the trees. Car is rocking, but no one appears to be inside.)

CHEF'S VOICE: Oh, Scully. You one hot mama.

SCULLY: Oh my god. OH MY GOD!

 

[Roll credits and theme by Primus]

**Author's Note:**

> I was drugged.


End file.
